Friendship is supposed to be one of the safest parts of being human.
A place where we can laugh.
Grow.
Create memories.
Support each other through difficult seasons.
Celebrate each other’s joys.
A place where we can think: “I am glad you exist.”
Not because of what you provide.
Not because of what you can fix.
Not because of how easy you are to love.
Simply because you are you.
But not everyone has experienced friendship that way.
Sometimes the relationships we called friendship taught us painful lessons.
That people only stay while we have something to offer.
That love disappears when we stop being useful.
That our needs make us a burden.
That eventually, everyone leaves.
So we learn to protect ourselves.
And protection can look very different for different people.
Sometimes protection looks like building walls.
Keeping people at a distance.
Leaving first so nobody else gets the chance.
Pretending:
- “I do not care.”
- “I do not need anyone.”
- “I am fine on my own.”
But sometimes protection looks like removing all of our own walls.
Becoming the helper.
The fixer.
The person who always says yes.
The person who shows up for everyone else while quietly struggling alone.
One person learns: “If nobody gets close, nobody can hurt me.”
Another learns: “If I am useful enough, maybe nobody will leave.”
Different armor.
Same human need.
To feel safe.
To feel valued.
To feel chosen.
And often, underneath both responses is not a lack of love.
It is actually a heart that cares deeply.
A heart that got hurt.
A heart trying to figure out: “How do I keep loving without losing myself?”
Because becoming cold does not heal the wound.
But neither does abandoning yourself.
Real friendship asks for something much braver:
- Letting yourself care.
- Letting yourself be known.
- Letting yourself have boundaries.
- Letting yourself believe: “The right people will not only value what I give. They will value who I am.”
Constantly giving without receiving can slowly disconnect us from ourselves.
Jessica Carey
The Walls We Build Were Trying to Protect Us
When someone has been hurt enough times, it makes sense that they start looking for ways to prevent it from happening again.
The heart learns.
The mind remembers.
The body keeps track of what felt unsafe.
So, we create protection.
Sometimes that protection says: “Never let anyone close enough to hurt you again.”
Sometimes it says: “Never disappoint anyone enough that they leave.”
One person builds a wall.
Another builds a bridge so wide everyone else can cross while they are left behind.
Both are trying to answer the same question: “How do I stay safe?”
The person who pushes others away is not always someone who does not care.
Sometimes they care so deeply that losing someone feels unbearable.
So, they run first.
They leave first.
They convince themselves: “I knew this would happen.”
Because expecting pain feels safer than being surprised by it.
The person who constantly gives is not always someone without needs.
Sometimes they have very real needs they learned to hide.
So, they become helpful.
Reliable.
Low maintenance.
The person everyone can count on.
The person who says: “Do not worry about me.”
Even when they desperately wish someone would.
And sometimes the saddest part is that both people are searching for the same thing:
- Someone who stays
- Someone who cares
- Someone who sees them
- Someone who says: “You do not have to perform for your place in my life.”
The walls were built because at some point, they felt necessary.
The armor existed because something needed protecting.
The mask formed because showing the truth did not feel safe.
But what once protected us can sometimes start limiting us.
A wall can keep danger out.
But a wall with no doors also keeps kindness out.
A mask can prevent rejection.
But it can also prevent someone from truly knowing the person underneath.
Healing does not mean tearing everything down overnight.
It does not mean trusting everyone.
It does not mean ignoring warning signs or pretending the past never happened.
It means slowly learning:
- “Who has earned access to the softer parts of me?”
- “Who respects my boundaries?”
- “Who sees me as a person, not a resource?”
- “Who makes my nervous system feel safer instead of constantly on alert?”
Because the goal was never to become someone who cannot be hurt.
Being human means we cannot completely remove the possibility of pain.
The goal is becoming someone who knows:
- “I can trust myself.”
- “I can have boundaries.”
- “I can walk away from what harms me.”
- “And I can still allow myself to experience what is good.”
Real friendship does not demand that someone instantly remove all their armor.
Real friendship patiently proves: “You do not have to wear all of that with me.”
And slowly, piece by piece, we learn:
Not everyone who knocks on the door is trying to break in.
Some people are simply asking: “May I sit with you?”
True belonging is not about titles or roles. It is about feeling safe enough to be yourself.
Jessica Carey
Kindness Does Not Mean Becoming Empty So Someone Else Can Be Full
Having a kind heart is not the problem.
Caring deeply is not the problem.
Wanting to help people is not the problem.
Those are beautiful parts of being human.
The world needs people who care.
People who notice.
People who look around and think: “How can I make things a little better?”
But sometimes people with big hearts learn a painful lesson: that their kindness is only welcome when it benefits someone else.
That they are celebrated for giving, but forgotten when they need support.
They become the reliable one.
The strong one.
The helper.
The listener.
The person everyone knows they can call.
But somewhere along the way, they quietly learn: “My value comes from what I provide.”
And that is a heavy burden for any human being to carry.
Because you are not a resource.
You are not a machine.
You are not a never-ending supply of energy, patience, time, and support.
You are a person.
A person with needs.
Limits.
Feelings.
Dreams.
A heart that deserves care too.
True friendship does not ask one person to become the endless source of water while everyone else drinks.
Healthy friendship looks more like a garden.
Sometimes one person needs more sunlight.
Sometimes another needs extra support through a storm.
Sometimes one plant struggles while another is blooming.
That is normal.
Relationships will not always be perfectly equal every single day.
But over time?
A healthy garden nourishes everyone inside it.
Because there is a difference between helping someone through a hard season and being expected to disappear inside someone else’s needs.
There is a difference between generosity and self-abandonment.
There is a difference between: “I want to help because I care about you.”
And: “I have to help because I am afraid you will leave if I don’t.”
Kindness given from love feels different than kindness given from fear.
Love says: “I choose to show up because I care.”
Fear says: “I must prove I deserve to stay.”
And real friends do not want you to destroy yourself to prove you love them.
They do not want your exhaustion.
They do not want your resentment.
They do not want you quietly drowning while holding everyone else above water.
They want you there with them.
Not as their rescuer.
Not as their solution to every problem.
Not as proof that someone finally cares.
As you.
Sometimes the kindest people need to learn that boundaries do not make their kindness smaller.
They make their kindness sustainable.
A candle can share its flame.
It can bring warmth.
Light.
Comfort.
Hope.
But if that candle burns itself completely away, the room still goes dark.
Protecting your flame does not mean refusing to share it.
It means remembering:
Your light matters too.
Because the goal was never to stop caring.
The goal was learning to include yourself in the circle of care.
Real Friends Care About You, Not Just What You Can Give Them
One of the most painful experiences is realizing someone valued your access more than your heart.
Your resources.
Your connections.
Your skills.
Your time.
Your ability to help.
The things you could provide.
But not truly you.
Because there is a particular kind of hurt that comes from believing someone saw your heart, only to realize they mostly saw an opportunity.
It can make you question everything.
- “Was any of it real?”
- “Did they ever care?”
- “Would they still be here if I had nothing left to give?”
And after enough experiences like that, receiving friendship can become scary.
Because even kindness starts looking like a doorway to future pain.
You start looking for the hidden cost.
The catch.
The moment everything changes.
The moment someone says: “After everything I did for you…”
Or: “After everything you have, how could you not do this for me?”
But real friendship is not a transaction.
It is not a contract written in invisible ink.
It is not: “I care about you as long as you provide what I want.”
Healthy friendship says: “I appreciate what you do.”
But more importantly: “I appreciate who you are.”
Because yes, friends often help each other.
They show up.
They support.
They encourage.
They give.
They listen.
They celebrate.
They walk through difficult seasons together.
Those things are beautiful.
But the difference is that genuine friendship allows choice.
A gift freely given is kindness.
A gift demanded is an obligation.
Support offered from love creates connection.
Support forced through guilt creates resentment.
A true friend does not want your help if the price is losing yourself.
They do not want your yes if it comes from fear.
They do not want you silently hurting because you believe disappointing them means losing them.
Because your “no” should not erase every “yes” you have ever given.
Your boundaries should not erase your kindness.
Your limits should not erase your love.
Sometimes a friend may feel disappointed.
That is human.
People can have feelings.
People can wish circumstances were different.
People can feel sad when something does not work out.
But healthy friendship makes room for both people.
It says: “I can have feelings about your answer while still respecting your right to have one.”
Because love and friendship are not proven by never disappointing each other.
They are often proven by how we handle those moments.
- Can we talk honestly?
- Can we listen?
- Can we respect each other?
- Can we remember the person in front of us matters more than getting exactly what we wanted?
The person who cannot give everything is still worthy of friendship.
The person who needs help is still worthy of dignity.
A healthy friendship does not have a giver and a taker.
It has two humans.
Two people with changing needs.
Changing capacities.
Changing seasons.
Sometimes one carries more.
Sometimes the other does.
Sometimes one person needs support.
Sometimes both do.
Sometimes neither person can fix the situation, so they simply sit beside each other through it.
Because friendship was never supposed to mean: “I will solve every problem you have.”
Sometimes friendship simply means: “You do not have to face everything alone.”
True kindness is not about creating invisible debts. It is care freely given.
Jessica Carey
Real Friendship Is Not About Feeling Superior
Sometimes unhealthy friendships are not built around what someone can take from you materially.
Sometimes they are built around what someone gets to feel around you.
Needed.
Important.
Powerful.
Superior.
Like the hero of someone else’s story.
Helping others can be a beautiful thing.
Supporting someone through a difficult season can be one of the most meaningful parts of friendship.
Humans are meant to care about each other.
But there is a difference between helping someone because you see their worth...
and helping someone because it makes you feel above them.
Real friendship does not look down.
It sits beside.
It does not say: “Look how generous I am for caring about you.”
It says: “I am grateful I get to walk beside you.”
Because someone going through a hard season is not less human.
Someone needing support is not less valuable.
Someone struggling does not exist to make someone else feel successful by comparison.
True friends do not need you to stay broken so they can keep feeling like the fixer.
They do not secretly depend on your struggles so they can feel strong.
They do not want you smaller so they can feel bigger.
A real friend celebrates your growth.
They cheer when you become more confident.
They are happy when you need them less because your life is becoming healthier.
They want you to discover your own strength.
Because genuine friendship is not about rescue.
It is about relationship.
A rescuer says: “You need me.”
A friend says: “I believe in you.”
A rescuer wants to be the reason you are okay.
A friend wants you to know you were always capable of becoming okay.
And sometimes this distinction can be difficult to recognize.
Because on the surface, both may look like support.
Both may involve giving.
Both may involve showing up.
Both may involve helping.
But over time, the difference becomes clearer.
- Does their help give you more freedom?
- Or does it create dependence?
- Do they celebrate your voice getting stronger?
- Or do they only like the version of you that needs them?
- Do you feel respected?
- Or do you feel managed?
Because real friendship does not require one person to stand above the other.
It is not a stage where one person gets to be the hero and the other stays the problem.
It is two people walking side by side.
Different strengths.
Different struggles.
Different seasons.
But equal worth.
Real friendship says: “You matter when you need help.”
And: “You matter when you don’t.”
Because you were never valuable because someone else got to save you.
You were valuable because you were always a person worth knowing.
Real Friendship Allows Giving and Receiving
Friendship is not meant to be a scoreboard.
It is not a constant calculation of: “I did three things for you, so now you owe me three things back.”
Real relationships are not transactions.
But healthy friendship does have movement in both directions.
Care flows back and forth.
Support flows back and forth.
Love flows back and forth.
Maybe not every day.
Maybe not every season.
Maybe not always in the same way.
But over time, both people matter.
Because life is constantly changing.
There will be seasons where one person needs more.
The season where someone is grieving.
The season where someone is struggling financially.
The season where someone is overwhelmed, exhausted, or simply trying to survive.
A true friend does not look at someone drowning and say: “Well, you are not swimming as fast as me right now, so this relationship is unfair.”
They recognize: “This person is in deep water right now.”
But healthy support also does not mean one person is expected to drown forever so someone else can stay comfortable.
Friendship requires care for both people.
Sometimes reciprocity looks different than people expect.
One friend may help practically.
Another may help emotionally.
One may offer resources.
Another may offer encouragement.
One may bring solutions.
Another may bring understanding.
Different does not automatically mean unequal.
But friendship becomes unhealthy when someone refuses to recognize what the other person brings because it does not look exactly like what they wanted.
When they say:
- “I gave you this, so now you owe me that.”
- “I helped you my way, so now you have to do things my way.”
- “My support means I get control.”
That is not friendship.
That is a transaction.
Generosity should not become a leash.
Support should not become ownership.
Helping someone should not become a reason to take away their voice.
A true friend wants you supported.
Not controlled.
They want you empowered.
Not dependent.
They want your life to become bigger.
Not smaller.
And at the same time, genuine friendship asks us to care about what we bring too.
It asks:
- “Am I showing up in the ways I am able?”
- “Am I appreciating the care I receive?”
- “Am I seeing this person as a whole human being, too?”
Because healthy friendship is not: “You exist for me.”
And it is not: “I exist for you.”
It is: “We both matter here.”
Sometimes one person carries the heavier backpack for a while.
Sometimes the other does.
But real friends are still walking beside each other.
Not one person above.
Not one person behind.
Together.
Love and friendship are not built through control — they are built through trust.
Jessica Carey
Real Friendship Does Not Require You to Become Someone Else
One of the deepest human needs is belonging.
To feel accepted.
Included.
Chosen.
To know there are people who want us there.
But sometimes the desire to belong can make us believe we have to leave parts of ourselves behind.
We hide what we love.
We silence what we think.
We ignore our own discomfort.
We become who we believe people want us to be because we are afraid the real version of us will not be accepted.
But fitting in and belonging are not always the same thing.
Fitting in sometimes asks: “What parts of myself do I need to remove so I am accepted here?”
Belonging asks: “Where am I safe to show up as myself?”
Real friends may challenge you.
They may help you grow.
They may introduce you to new perspectives.
Healthy friendships are not echo chambers where everyone has to agree on everything.
But growth and pressure are different things.
A true friend does not require you to betray yourself to stay connected.
They do not ask you to abandon your values.
Ignore your boundaries.
Pretend to be someone you are not.
Because friendship is not supposed to be a performance where you constantly audition for your place.
It is supposed to be a connection where people can continue discovering who they are.
The right people do not want a copy of themselves.
They want you.
Your thoughts.
Your creativity.
Your uniqueness.
The little things that make you different.
Real friendship does not say: “Change yourself so you fit here.”
It says: “There is room for you here.”
Real Friendship Does Not Require Being Perfect
One of the scariest parts of friendship is letting someone truly know us.
Not just the easy parts.
Not just the polished parts.
Not just the version we carefully create so nobody has a reason to leave.
The real parts.
The parts that are still learning.
The parts that are afraid.
The parts that sometimes need reassurance.
The parts that are healing.
Because when someone has been hurt before, hiding can feel safer than being seen.
If nobody truly knows you, then nobody can reject the real you.
If nobody gets close enough, then nobody can leave a wound where it hurts most.
So, people learn to test.
To push away.
To run first.
To pretend they do not care.
Or to become whatever they think someone else wants them to be.
Because somewhere along the way, they started believing: “If someone really knows me, they will leave.”
But real friendship was never about finding perfect people.
Perfect people do not exist.
Every person carries a story.
Every person has fears.
Every person has moments where they struggle.
The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is not whether imperfections exist.
It is what people do with them.
Healthy friendship creates room to say:
- “I got scared.”
- “I misunderstood.”
- “I need to talk about something.”
- “I am struggling right now.”
And instead of immediately turning away, a true friend tries to understand.
That does not mean friends should accept unlimited hurt.
It does not mean someone’s pain gives them permission to harm others.
Healing still requires responsibility.
Love still requires respect.
Trust still requires care.
But there is a difference between: “I am imperfect and still learning.”
And: “I refuse to care about how my actions affect you.”
There is a difference between: “I have wounds I am trying to heal.”
And: “My wounds mean I get to wound everyone else.”
Healthy friendship gives space for humanity.
Not perfection.
Humanity.
It says: “You do not have to hide every crack from me.”
But also: “We can learn healthier ways to care for each other.”
Because the people who truly care about you do not only love the version of you who is happy.
Or helpful.
Or successful.
Or easy.
They care about the person underneath.
The one who sometimes gets scared.
The one who sometimes doubts.
The one who is still figuring things out.
And sometimes healing means taking the terrifying risk of believing: “Maybe this person sees me clearly... and still wants to stay.”
Not because they have to.
Not because they owe you.
Not because you earned enough points.
But because friendship is a choice they keep making.
Real friendship does not say: “Be perfect so I never have to decide whether you are worth loving.”
Real friendship says: “You are human, and I am human. Let’s keep learning how to care for each other.”
Real Friends Choose Each Other Freely
One of the most beautiful parts of friendship is also one of the scariest:
It is a choice.
Real friends are not connected because they are trapped.
They are not there because of guilt.
Obligation.
Fear.
A debt they can never repay.
A role they are forced to keep playing.
They are there because, day after day, they continue choosing: “I am glad you are part of my life.”
And for people who have been hurt before, that can feel terrifying.
Because control can create the illusion of safety.
If someone needs you, maybe they will stay.
If you never disappoint them, maybe they will stay.
If you keep everyone at a distance, maybe losing them will hurt less.
But genuine friendship cannot grow from fear.
Friendship needs space to breathe.
Space for two different people.
Two different lives.
Two different sets of needs, dreams, struggles, and boundaries.
A real friend is not someone who never says no.
A real friend is not someone who fixes every problem.
A real friend is not someone who always knows the perfect thing to say.
A real friend is someone who sees your humanity and lets you keep it.
They do not need you to be helpless so they can feel needed.
They do not need you to be perfect so they never feel uncomfortable.
They do not need you to agree with everything so the relationship feels safe.
They want to know you.
Not a performance.
Not a mask.
Not only the convenient pieces.
You.
And real friendship means offering the same gift back.
Seeing their humanity, too.
Understanding that your friend will have limits.
They will have hard days.
They will have moments when they cannot be everything you wish they could be.
Because friendship is not finding someone who will never disappoint you.
It is finding people who care enough to navigate life with honesty, kindness, and respect.
Someone can love you deeply and still have boundaries.
Someone can care about you and still have needs of their own.
Someone can be a true friend and still not have the ability to fix everything hurting you.
And that does not make their love meaningless.
Because the strongest friendships are not built from: “You have to stay because I need you.”
They are built from: “You are free to be yourself, and I still choose walking beside you.”
Real friendship does not tighten the leash.
It opens the door.
And trusts that what is real does not need to be forced.
Sometimes people who have been hurt ask: “What if I let someone in and they leave?”
And that fear makes sense.
There are no guarantees.
Trust always involves some vulnerability.
But another question is worth asking, too: “What if they don’t?”
- What if someone sees your heart and chooses to stay?
- What if someone learns your fears and handles them gently?
- What if someone discovers your struggles and does not decide you are too much?
- What if friendship was never supposed to be something you earn by being useful enough... but something you experience by finally being yourself?
Friendship Is About Connection, Not Numbers
It can be easy to measure friendship from the outside.
How many people know your name.
How many invitations you receive.
How many messages appear on your phone.
How many people surround you.
But being surrounded is not the same as being seen.
Being known by many people is not the same as being truly known.
A room full of people where you have to wear a mask can feel lonelier than a quiet conversation with someone who sees your heart.
Real friendship has never been about collecting as many people as possible.
It is about building connections where kindness, respect, honesty, and care can grow.
Some people will have many genuine friendships.
Some people will have a small circle.
Neither determines someone's worth.
The question is not: “How many people are standing around me?”
The question is: “Do we truly see each other?”
Because one genuine connection where you can finally breathe is worth more than countless connections where you have to disappear.
You Are Worth Knowing
After enough painful experiences, it can become easy to believe friendship always comes with a catch.
That eventually everyone leaves.
That everyone wants something.
That you have to protect yourself before someone else gets the chance to hurt you.
That you have to become everything someone needs so they never walk away.
Those beliefs usually do not appear from nowhere.
Often, they came from moments where someone’s heart was trying to make sense of pain.
Trying to prevent it from happening again.
Trying to stay safe.
But the hardest lessons we learn are not always the truest ones.
Being used does not mean everyone will use you.
Being abandoned does not mean everyone will leave.
Being unseen does not mean you are impossible to understand.
Being hurt does not mean you have to spend the rest of your life alone behind armor.
And healing does not mean pretending pain never happened.
It does not mean trusting everyone.
It does not mean ignoring red flags or giving endless chances to people who continue causing harm.
It means slowly learning:
- “I can protect myself without closing myself completely.”
- “I can care about others without abandoning myself.”
- “I can let people know me without needing to become perfect first.”
Because the goal was never to become someone who cannot be hurt.
The goal is becoming someone who knows:
- “I can handle whatever happens.”
- “I can choose wisely.”
- “I can walk away from what harms me.”
- “And I can still stay open to what is beautiful.”
Real friendship will never require you to stop being human.
It will not ask you to hide every struggle.
It will not ask you to have no boundaries.
It will not ask you to earn your place through endless giving.
Real friendship gives room for two whole people.
Two imperfect stories.
Two hearts still learning.
Two people who choose to keep showing up with kindness, honesty, respect, and care.
Because the right people do not want your mask.
They want to know the person underneath it.
They want the laughter.
The creativity.
The random conversations.
The dreams.
The little things that make you who you are.
Not because you saved them.
Not because they saved you.
Not because someone was above and someone was below.
Simply because life is a little brighter with you in it.
And maybe that is one of the most beautiful parts of real friendship:
Finding someone who sees the parts of yourself you were afraid would make you unwanted... and realizing they were never looking for a perfect person.
They were looking for a real one.
Someone can love your kindness.
And your boundaries.
Your strength.
And your softness.
Your growth.
And the messy middle while you are still figuring things out.
Because real friendship does not say: “Earn your place.”
It says: “I am grateful you are here.”
You were never meant to spend your whole life proving you deserve connection.
You were always someone worth knowing.
Want even more content about creativity and art?
Be sure to check out all of our creative chronicles!
If you'd like to see examples of my work, you can find some of my art and creations at Redbubble and Gumroad!
Looking to learn more about my recent journey?
Check some of these articles:
-The Difference Between Resting and Giving Up
-Hidden Gems for St. Louis Artists
-Hidden Gems for Autistic & Neurodivergent Adults
-I Think I Might Be Autistic... Now What?
Jessica Carey
